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Sunday, January 2, 2011

When's it going to be Our Turn??

I realized that I haven't really shared many of my deep thoughts on my blog. I seem to blog about things that are on the surface and nothing really deep. Today I feel different and I'm not sure why. Maybe it's just cuz I need to talk about something, I want to be heard or I just need to vent. Maybe it will help someone or maybe it will help me become closer to who I am suppose to be. Who knows.

3 in a half years ago we found out we were pregnant and soooo excited!!! We bought tshirts that said "Bun in the Oven", name books and any books that had to do with growing babies. Then 2 weeks after we found out we were pregnant we had a miscarriage. It was and still has been one of the hardest things I have gone through (I think Robbie could say the same). I would get really emotional when any of my friends or even acquaintances told me they were expecting or I would read someones blog saying that. I would go into a depression and Robbie had to deal with me (which I am sorry about). I feel like I've gotten better....at times.

So we decided we were finally ready to try again and it's been wayyyy too long and nothing is happening. Robbie has seen me at my complete worst and he still loves me (at least he acts like he does). :) It has been a hard road and many, many tears have been shed. I didn't realize how touchy of a subject infertility or kids could be.

I work with a bunch of girls and so when it comes time for one of them to say they are expecting it's like being punched in the stomach. What do you say?? I'm so happy for you and quietly think I wish I was in that position??? I try to be cool about everything and as those who are close to me know that I LOVE little children!!!! They are the greatest thing in the world and that's why I offer to babysit whoever I can but there are days that are just awful...not for any particular reason but I just see something that triggers off emotions that just leave me wondering "What is going on in my head? Where did all these emotions come from?" That was today.

I was at church and a few rows up I saw a mom who had a newborn and I just lost it. I think Robbie thought I was crazy. I wish I had the answers for everything but I don't. I wish I knew why this was such a struggle for us but I don't. I wish I could tell those expectant mothers that are complaining about their pregnancies to be grateful that they can become pregnant but I don't think I would really be liked.

I guess through all of this I have learned that I can be there for others who have had miscarriages, had trouble getting pregnant but sometimes that just sucks!! I hate when people ask me if I have children yet because I don't know what to say. (I know that doesn't make sense but I will explain). Living in UT there is like a bar that is set. You have to pretty much have all your kids by the age 30 and if you don't there is something completely wrong with you. People think you are selfish because you are putting your own wants before someone elses and that is just completely untrue. When people ask me if I have children I have had to just start to answer that I have a spoiled dog because if I don't there is usually an awkward pause and it's just too hard.

I know this is really rambled and I'm sorry. I just wrote what came to my mind. I have found that I am more connected to those people that I know are going through the same struggles as we are because they understand. I have a good friend that has been dealing with this a lot longer then me and there are times I just have to vent to her and she will give me some amazing advice, which sometimes I'm not ready to hear but take into my heart. Hopefully one day it will be our turn but until then I guess I will continue to grow and love other people's children.

8 comments:

Kiera said...

I'm sorry Jamie. That must be so hard. I don't know how you are feeling, but I hope that someday soon you will be able to get pregnant. I love and miss you guys! We will pray for you!

Mommy, RN said...

Oh Jamie, I love you! Just know that I'm sending you a huge hug until I can hug you in person. You are loved.

JSL, A and B said...

Jamie I know its tough and its good to express how you are feeling. I am glad I got to know you a little better through this post. You are not alone, even though sometimes it feels that way. It will be your turn soon, however that may be.

aurora said...

I am sorry, Jamie. My heart hurts for you because I remember being where you are.
We struggled with 'secondary infertility' which is when you have fertility issues after you have already had children. (that's the answer to the big gap between our big kids and little kids) All I can say is keep going on with your life--make plans and carry on. We had made peace with our multi-year struggle and had our papers in for adoption as I also went in for an exploratory surgery. Six weeks later were were blessed with Lilly. I don't usually blurt this all out, but I hope that it can help you and give you hope. My biggest advice is to make plans, carry on. xox

Nicole Love said...

I am so sorry! I know it must be really hard. I don't know exactly how you feel, because I haven't had a problem getting pregnant, I just can't have normal healthy babies. It is so hard watching other women having normal healthy pregnancy and healthy babies and not having to worry if your baby or child is going to die, or talk, it is very hard. My children have a very rare syndrome and have to go through surgeries and will most likely go blind. Savannah has autism. Those are only some of the struggles that they go through. It is also hard watching other children, doing all of the normal things that they do. It is very painful knowing that my children may never do those things. If you ever need to talk or hang out, just give me a call! You seam like a very sweet person, and I would love to get to know you!

Nate + Callie said...

Sweet Jamie...I'm so sorry for your struggle. I understand this one all too well! It sucks to have such a righteous desire, and to feel so helpless in obtaining it! But I know that one way or another, you and Robbie will have the opportunity to be amazing parents. And I know that this is a trial that will teach you things that in time will be precious to you, even though it feels unbearable right now. We love you guys, and pray for you always! Please call me if you need an ear or a shoulder or both.

Adrienne said...

Jamie,you know I understand EXACTLY how you feel. I wish you never had to go through this pain. One day we'll look back on all of this and it will make sense. Lately I have been thinking it's Heavenly Father's way of helping me accomplish something I really want to- to finish my Bachelor's, and I'm sure I would never be able to if we had small children at home. Find something you really would like to do and fill your time and hopefully your heart will start to heal. I have really bad days too- I'm not going to lie, but hopefully it keeps getting better! Wishing you guys the best of luck.

kat said...

Jamie, I have gone through what you have as well. You will forever be grateful for uneventful pregnancies after having lost babies. Your empty arms will be filled someday. Meanwhile, thank you for loving all the children (especially one of mine) that you serve. You are an amazing lady.
Katrina