I realized that I haven't really shared many of my deep thoughts on my blog. I seem to blog about things that are on the surface and nothing really deep. Today I feel different and I'm not sure why. Maybe it's just cuz I need to talk about something, I want to be heard or I just need to vent. Maybe it will help someone or maybe it will help me become closer to who I am suppose to be. Who knows.
3 in a half years ago we found out we were pregnant and soooo excited!!! We bought tshirts that said "Bun in the Oven", name books and any books that had to do with growing babies. Then 2 weeks after we found out we were pregnant we had a miscarriage. It was and still has been one of the hardest things I have gone through (I think Robbie could say the same). I would get really emotional when any of my friends or even acquaintances told me they were expecting or I would read someones blog saying that. I would go into a depression and Robbie had to deal with me (which I am sorry about). I feel like I've gotten better....at times.
So we decided we were finally ready to try again and it's been wayyyy too long and nothing is happening. Robbie has seen me at my complete worst and he still loves me (at least he acts like he does). :) It has been a hard road and many, many tears have been shed. I didn't realize how touchy of a subject infertility or kids could be.
I work with a bunch of girls and so when it comes time for one of them to say they are expecting it's like being punched in the stomach. What do you say?? I'm so happy for you and quietly think I wish I was in that position??? I try to be cool about everything and as those who are close to me know that I LOVE little children!!!! They are the greatest thing in the world and that's why I offer to babysit whoever I can but there are days that are just awful...not for any particular reason but I just see something that triggers off emotions that just leave me wondering "What is going on in my head? Where did all these emotions come from?" That was today.
I was at church and a few rows up I saw a mom who had a newborn and I just lost it. I think Robbie thought I was crazy. I wish I had the answers for everything but I don't. I wish I knew why this was such a struggle for us but I don't. I wish I could tell those expectant mothers that are complaining about their pregnancies to be grateful that they can become pregnant but I don't think I would really be liked.
I guess through all of this I have learned that I can be there for others who have had miscarriages, had trouble getting pregnant but sometimes that just sucks!! I hate when people ask me if I have children yet because I don't know what to say. (I know that doesn't make sense but I will explain). Living in UT there is like a bar that is set. You have to pretty much have all your kids by the age 30 and if you don't there is something completely wrong with you. People think you are selfish because you are putting your own wants before someone elses and that is just completely untrue. When people ask me if I have children I have had to just start to answer that I have a spoiled dog because if I don't there is usually an awkward pause and it's just too hard.
I know this is really rambled and I'm sorry. I just wrote what came to my mind. I have found that I am more connected to those people that I know are going through the same struggles as we are because they understand. I have a good friend that has been dealing with this a lot longer then me and there are times I just have to vent to her and she will give me some amazing advice, which sometimes I'm not ready to hear but take into my heart. Hopefully one day it will be our turn but until then I guess I will continue to grow and love other people's children.
Jane and Hannah
10 hours ago